Turning Tearish Thoughts to Gratitude.

sunny tree

(from about a week ago) 


This morning I lay in bed almost crying because I wanted you (to).

I didn’t know how to love you. I wanted to so much.

But I was afraid of what might happen if I woke you up.

What would happen if we really woke up?

The dog was wedged in between us like a barrier. You snored.

I slipped out of bed and tied on his little halter, walking through the wet, lush, bright green grass, letting him loose so that he bounded and sniffed around in joy.

I watched people meditating in the pagoda.

And I stood in the circle of stones (why hadn’t I noticed this fire pit before?) and stretched my weary bones as my skin warmed in the sunlight.

Then came immediate (and overdue) release.

On return the coffee was made. We sat and talked, frightened for the little black squirrel that tried so hard to cross the road, both relieved when it didn’t (as were the Asian ladies who were trying to coax it back onto the sidewalk).

This morning you were soft with me. So was she.

Those quiet moments of settling open helped me to pass through this day with ease.

Instead of reacting to what seemed lacking, I decided to just be grateful for good company, the way the clean sheets smelled, soft skin touching.

I’m grateful for friends who aren’t in touch because they (we) all care too much.

I’m grateful for my dream job and the challenges it brings, how I was joyously immersed for much longer than was necessary today.

I’m grateful for strange YouTube videos, beach walks and patio sits—even my sun burn, because it reminds me of that octopus sculpted carefully from beach sand and the way the kids played by the ocean.

Grateful for the way that the cheap Chinese food makes me feel like ass, because remembering this fully might help me to not eat it.

This morning I was so focussed on the way I felt separate, but then realized that we were all together and that was okay.

All it took to feel better was a flip in perspective

How can I be in more complete joy with the people that shape my life right now?

What questions can I ask myself and others?

What is true support, compassion, fun about?

How can I (we) build a new version of joy?

It’s time to change the definition.


We Divide.

photo: Pinterest
photo: Pinterest

I woke up that morning feeling stronger than I have for a while.

Much less pain, emotionally and physically.

For the first time since really knowing there would be no contact, this not seeing him makes sense. I recognize that I have energy (again) for the things that matter back at me. Thank goodness.

Other people sometimes aren’t so passionate about understanding. That and / or they are too busy trying to understand other things, trying to support other people. This is good. I’m good with this. I get it. I need it too, in my own life.

Our lives aren’t so fused any more and that’s okay. His presence was mostly what made such a difference this past year and he’s just not able to offer that to me any more. Good. With this acceptance and letting go I have a bit more energy for the people and things that need/love me back: writing, friends, elephant things, me.

I often think about the ways we separate ourselves, the walls we put up and why. We build walls around our hearts, sometimes, for good reasons. I don’t want to go so far as to say that these always have to do with power ‘over’ people, or power in a bad way. It’s normal to want to be able to control situations.

But the less that one makes one’s goal about real love, the more likely these walls are to be about power: holding more for ourselves if and when we need it, we create divides so that we can feel we have some control over something…even if the something is just ourselves.

I think of walls as not the same as boundaries. Boundaries are more like lines that one chooses to draw. Also for power, but more about reserving it. More about holding (loving) energy than shutting it out.

Anyhow, walls.

Walls are normal, innocent enough. But can be cruel too. Even just small things that we do without meaning to be mean: judging, blaming.

We all do it.

When our walls are down, I think that there is more capacity for actual love to flow freely, instead of having the back-forth, push-pull power (attachment) dynamics ruling our lives.

I watched the documentary called ‘Blackfish’ last night. It reminded me of the way we like to put things on display, to dance for us. The ‘glass wall,’ how we create the illusion of seeing another being but we are actually keeping ourselves separated.

Performer vs. audience.

The show is fun, sure. When it’s between two beings who understand that they are on equal ground, it is an essential part of play. Of joy. Lightness. So important.

But this show is just a small part of our lives; when real hearts fuse it is about so much more.

We might feel vulnerable and try to assume control or power in some way, and that’s when it gets messy.

Or maybe it was messy the whole time because we already (subconsciously) assumed power or control over the other person or over the situation, meaning that one or both people would never really be free to be their fullest and most evolving selves, or to be with their ‘pod’ or tribe or family.

I’m not here to dance for anyone, no more than those orcas are for audiences/trainers/owners. The power-seekers and their puppets.

So long as we (they) keep thinking that that’s what others are here for, for our own benefit (entertainment, money, power, lives) or to make us feel better, relationships will always be imbalanced and never be real.

It’s a normal human thing, this divide, but when it’s about power or money it can kill. It chips away at compassionate action.

There are fine lines between healthy boundaries and actual walls. But when we build walls, it’s more about power and less about love.

So I will set my boundaries and cry a bit and feel like a bit of a fool for opening my heart but I still know it’s the only way to do.

These are big ideas, the metaphor stretches across all relationships with all beings, I think. And I am not perfect at anything. Noone is. We are all learning and evolving.

But I think that one of the most important things in this moment/day/life/world is to just notice hearts. To question ourselves ourselves and the world. To be aware of which actions stem from money or power or control or ego.

To watch the intentions behind our attachments and remember that true compassion means practicing freedom from these things.

My Royal Wedding Rant

I have to write about this because the hype bothers me SO much.  I am first going to address the irony: I am mad that so many people are so focussed on it/putting energy into it, yet here I am doing the same thing.

The reason it makes me mad, though, is because I have deep feelings about love and romance and how these are viewed by society and portrayed by the media.

I get it that the reason people are watching is because they ‘want’ to see a real life ‘Cindarella’ story.  I get that.  But why is that SO important?  Why, in this day and age, are we still seeking satisfaction via depictions of love and romance of people that we dont’ even KNOW?  How is it that we are still seeking that glimpse of ‘happily ever after’?

It’s one thing to be excited about friends of yours, a couple who has established a mature, real relationship and you are happy to celebrate this with them via a wedding. I am not denouncing the act of celebrating love relationships (I am critical of the institution of marriage in many ways – see my entry called Free Agent for more on this).

I don’t say this out of bitterness or cynicism, and I don’t mean to sound pretentious, as if I’m ‘better’ than people who chose to watch it; your choice is your choice. But I don’t believe that buying into the princess routine is healthy for society as a whole. I think that it instills very unrealistic ideals about love and romance into us (girls in particular) at a very young age and I think that this is why we struggle so much with these issues (as related to gender, sexuality, all types of relationships) as adults.

So watching the wedding just reinforces the idealized, fantastic, and unrealistic nature of these ideals. People say they are watching out of fascination, even if they are critical, but I wonder why invest time in it if you aren’t at least somewhat entranced at the possibility? The wedding in itself is a spectacle, one that – as far as I’m concerned – sends a very distorted message to the world, a message that projects traditional, conservative, capitalist, sexist ideals that I was hoping we were starting to move beyond. Yet people are still consuming it in mass quantities.

Why focus on the ‘beauty’ of the fantasy on TV when we can look around now and find that beauty now in small things, in real things, in our own lives? Why is it that we need to look elsewhere?

I know that this is not always easy to do, but I think we need to practice.