The Graceful Exit.

shirley-valentine

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” ~ Shannon L. Alder

Something amazing happens when we choose to step gracefully out of a relationship that no longer serves us.

When I say relationship, it could be a relationship with anything or anyone: a partner, friend, workplace, city—hell, maybe even that classic novel that you somehow feel that you “should” read because it’s a classic but you secretly hate it.

If we walk away still feeling desperate, we will fall desperately into the next job, relationship, book, or town out of fear. We will attract others and situations that operate out of fear as well.

I know this may sound a little woo woo—but it’s just about understanding that we have choices in life, and that the harder we exercise that choice, the richer and more fulfilling our lives will be.

If we enter a relationship based on a fear of being lonely, for instance, that is going to show up time and time again throughout the relationship. Same with if we settle for a job that pays us less than we are worth—maybe it’s not entirely about money, but that gesture, that offering, is the company/client telling us how much they value us and our worth, ultimately.

Of course there are those times that it’s still better to have a crap job than no job—we all have to get by. And so, sometimes, we have to accept the less-than-stellar situation—but the key is to only do it for as long as we absolutely have to, and know not only when to walk away, but how.

If we can walk away gracefully, we carry that gesture of strength and resiliency into our next endeavours.

Running away out of anger, wanting revenge, even feeling “betrayed”—all of those have the potential to leave us in victim mode. Then we keep moving through our life in this fear-based mode, thereby continuing to find new situations where our victim selves “fit”—places where we’re not valued, where we’re manipulated or abused.

Sometimes getting angry–really angry–is exactly what we need to get the fires burning. There is a beauty in its ability to free us. So I’m not saying don’t walk away in anger—sometimes that’s exactly what’s needed.

But holding onto that only holds us back. If, after we remove ourselves from the situation, we are still operating out of anger (which is basically just another version of fear), we tend to find others who meet us where we’re at.

Fear attracts fear, and so on.

Taking the high road doesn’t mean “don’t ever be angry”—but the thing is that we generally won’t find our higher pursuit, (the one that serves us), until we’ve resolved the anger for ourselves. This may or may not include forgiveness or reconciliation with the other party.

When we walk away with confidence, it’s this very act of grace, of faith, that carries us forward to people and places that meet us where we’re at: as calm, clear and shining beings.

Advertisements

Bearing Down, Shedding Layers, Saying Goodbye.

bukowski

One week from now I will have shed all of my stuff, left attachments behind and will have landed in Montreal.

Currently my emotions waver from love of this city, a few things, some key people.

The last week:  Bandida’s and sangria, mimosas in a nearby park,  white russians at the Big Lebowski.

A Joni Mitchell tribute night at a house nearby that has a covered balcony with couches, glowing lights, vines.

And he read me Bukowski and she braided my hair.

Then pie, a seawall walk, a film noir, a special dinner at Espana with my soul sister.

A going away party with mad libs, bow ties…open hearts.

The day after that lounging in bed with someone that I wish…no, I’m not wishing anymore.

A last write-night with a bottle of pinot and I felt light, ready.

I felt loved.

I know there are still things eating away at me – literally they eat away at my stomach lining. And I feel ill.

Getting rid of old things (I mean stuff/attachments, not beings!) is liberating…and scary.

The hour before the vet appointment was the longest hour in the world. I just wanted it done. And then in that room how she nuzzled into the crook of my arm.

I’ve been listening to old mixed tapes and wondering why I kept them so long. I suppose at some point in time we couldn’t just find any old music anywhere …so it was more special. More valuable.

I’m wondering whether sentimentality has a purpose; is it good or bad that I want most of my things gone like this? It feels crazy.

And there is just so much stuff. So much.

Even with relationships – we have access to more relationships at a time with travel, globalization. It’s a double-edged sword in that there is always something new – so possibility is around the corner – but then we maybe aren’t as motivated to hold onto the good things. Maybe we just don’t focus enough on quality.

Is there someone out there for me? A new best friend? A more suitable lover? Will I see my old lovers and have it not be wrong?

I’m confused, a little; and I still feel judged.

Frankly (feeling) love is exhausting these days. I’m spent with feeling so good one moment and then rotten the next. I am not giving it well enough either, for the most part. Not in the right directions.

For that I am sorry. I wish I’d loved you (you, you) better.

I will really miss my friend-family here…but I’m also spent. I take responsibility for participating in some of the dynamics that exhaust me (and them).

Mostly, these relationships lift me. But sometimes not.

I guess that is normal… but here things just run so deep. It’s beautiful and intense and I would not trade it for the world.

But I’m okay to go, maybe just for a while.

Is leaving really going to be better? Is it a relief, a healthy change, or a distraction? Will I really be okay…let alone better, like I envision? Or is it just false hope?

We may attribute meaning by choice, but I can’t just leave the feelings behind.

Or can I, in a positive way? I guess the question is: should I? Is it right to somehow want to feel less in some ways?

There are loved ones on the other side and that will be a whole new set of feelings, dynamics. Not always simple, I’m sure…but solid. So incredibly solid. And how lucky am I to have community in both places? 

So, we can relax or we can worry (this video helps me all the time): 

Swimming, Sparkly Stars and Indiana Jones: 10 random things that saved my ass this week

In no particular order..sparkly star

1. Sparkly stars.  I often *feel* crafty but rarely am successful at completing a nice craft.  So I decided to keep it super simple and make some of these.  It is such a small thing, but it made me happy.

2. Swimming.  I’ve missed a few weeks, and I went during the day, and wow, did it flip my mindset to happy.

3. The establishment of a new (pre-work) first-thing-in-the-morning ritual: 5 minutes of crazy apartment dancing to uplifting/empowering music.  Try it!

4. The dirty old man joke.  No kidding, I was sitting at the legion with my friend John, and this old man hobbled over, and asked us if we wanted to hear a joke. We said ‘sure’ and then he asked us why Santa doesn’t have any kids…because he only comes once a year and it goes up the chimney.  Then he walked away without saying anything more, not even ‘have a good night’ or something.  It was priceless!

5. Not shopping.  Yes, I said NOT shopping.  Something about shopping makes me queasy sometimes.  I thought I wanted to, but didn’t purchase anything.  This was a wise choice.

6. Frozen pizza.  I know damn well that cooking makes me feel good, especially cooking healthy things.  I caved and bought a frozen pizza the other day, and was able to bring it to a friend’s house to share, instead of cooking for her, which I’d wanted to do, but it just didn’t fit into my day.  It worked out well..more time to visit with her!

indiana jones7. Raiders of the Lost Ark.  I finally found a good copy of this movie and – well – it’s brilliant.  I just don’t understand how a movie like that could be SO GOOD.  The thing that blew me away was how many scenes I remembered so vividly from my early childhood.  I laughed, I cried, I wished for my own Harrison Ford to take me on an archaeological adventure in Ciaro.  Well, maybe one day.

8. Finally purchasing big garbage bags.  Symbolic of the need to lighten my load, emotionally and physically.

9. A really awesome massage.

10. All visits and chats with friends and family make my day/week — this goes without saying.  But a highlight this week in that regard was definitely the Google Hangout chat where me and 2 awesome girlfriends discovered the application Scoot and Doodle, where you can draw something together.  This masterpiece was born: best. art. eva.