Having Faith.

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There’s this adage about how when you let go of something that doesn’t serve you, you create space for better things to to come into your life.

On some level, it seems a little woo woo…I mean, you can’t expect to just ditch everyone at any sign of discomfort and then expect “better” things to just drop in your lap, you know?

But when you are aware, paying attention to *why* certain things/people don’t serve you, and how you create more space for yourself to take care, and then also try to build connections with people that genuinely do respect what you have to offer, whether personally or professionally…

Well, it is somewhat organic, but not effortless.

It’s part of life work—and when we treat it as such, when we trust our intuition, it does work in our favour.

As a semi-nomadic freelancer, I feel like I have a little heartbreak a few times a week these days: a weird client, something that reminds me of a past lover being gone from my life…almost every day, there’s a little goodbye.

I’ve struggled to find the *hellos* the past couple of years; really there’s been a lot of transition and I have found myself extremely lonely on a regular basis.

I don’t mean to dismiss the amazing connections that I’ve made…it’s just been different.

Out of these transitions came a ton of space that I’m finding the courage to work with, and it feels like something is finally happening. I still have to work at it, and I still have trouble with the goodbyes.

But today I had that little (big) feeling of knowing that…yeah, I’m actually creating the perfect life for myself. There will be bumps, but maybe I can actually, really, do it.

So: Gratitude to the ones who choose to work things out, who ask how things are, who just take the time to connect, professionally and personally, those people who say “I know you are good, I know you can do it, keep going,” in some way or another.

You are the people that make me understand why I can’t hang out in the darkness of goodbye.

Thank you for letting me know that the space I take up in this lifetime, whatever life is, matters.

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invisible

{found on Pinterest}
{found on Pinterest}

Last night I had one of those “how long will it take them to notice I’m gone” moments.

Originally I had just gone to the bar to get a drink, but the barstaff didn’t see me either.

So, a little too drunk for a Thursday, I pulled an Irish goodbye. I walked up the street and got the best steamie in the world and walked home holding back tears and wondering why in the hell at nearly 37 years old I can still feel so small.

I wondered if some of my relationships seemed easy because there aren’t really deep feelings on the other person’s part.

I wondered if I’m worth feeling for.

I was in love with them and they didn’t really love me back. So now I’m not in love with them anymore.

I’m also far away from many people I love(d). That distance creates another kind of wall, and I’m pretty sure that it’s better this way.

Some people said they loved me and so I told them I loved them too. Then I would visit and be close and some of them didn’t really step up to be with me when I showed up. I mean be with me in a real way.

Not a sexy way, but a real way.

It made me feel confused and sad.

I’m really good at removing myself, but this isn’t something I’m proud of.

I’m really not good at being seen and heard—also not something I’m proud of.

Even hanging out with a best friend, I can cease to exist at the blink of an eye—or in this case, the shake of an ass.

I should have just kept sitting in this park.

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June: 9 months in.

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Today’s weather is Vancouver-like. Last week’s was sunny and lovely. I spent a few hours here and there wandering and lounging in the sun.

I miss some people terribly right now. I’m craving a life thick with passion and experiences. I miss that thing. I miss a certain closeness. I have friends here and it’s getting easier with summer coming on but still struggle with how to find it/make it happen here.

I’ve been reconsidering how my time is spent.

I want to connect but I know that the present “here and now” (for me and anyone) is more important. I can’t keep grasping at those things and people that aren’t a part of my presence.

It should be that way and besides, I don’t know what to say.

How to connect without grasping? How to collectively relate?

Last weekend I had the best massage ever and started back at yoga after a brief hiatus. It’s hard.

Three days out this weekend: a queer dance party night thing Friday where I was happy and didn’t drink much. It felt good to get out, B. there w/his roommate. We didn’t go crazy but it was just nice. And the cover went to a good cause.

Sat eve was Jeff’s 50th-also nice to see some folks and be there with him.

Sunday w/Jac at NDQ, Karaoke. That was a blast. I smiled a lot and chatted with new folks. I felt honoured to be invited into her circle a little. We walked through the city at 2am and everywhere I turned there were new things to see.

Still, I drank too much and stayed up too late and ended up feeling strange and disappointed.

My new place is cute enough and…well, dirty. Finally connected with my roommate over there. She’d just moved in and we had a beer and set up the couch and laughed at the state of it all. There is so much work to do and I don’t have any furniture and I’m just not sure how it will all work out.

I’m sad/happy about the camper van. Mom sent me a photo of my best friends buying it from them and it made my heart pang. I haven’t heard from them.

I will head to Toronto at the end of the month and then to Boulder, Austin in July. I need to keep travelling like this to stay sane.

Last week had some days where I was eating pretty clean and not drinking. The sun was out and I felt engaged, energized, clear, empowered and more deeply into focus with work.

So there’s the focus now, to not let my mind wander.

One of my favourite edits of late describes the necessary sacrifice(s) well and reminded me really of what needs to be worked on:

8 Ways Women can Create Space for Creativity.