2015: for Specificity & Clarity

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Well that was interesting.

2014 and 2013, I meant, were interesting. Each so different and strange and wonderful and hard in their own ways.

Even though I feel like I look like I’m about 80 years old these days, I feel good 2015.

It started out with a bang—a small house party where I felt I bonded with a new friend from here (I’d just published her article that day too) and an old friend from Vancouver. That feeling of closeness is such a relief. And it didn’t take too long to build, with these two. And there are more people to get to know, here and online and everywhere.

For that I am grateful.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, hungover but feeling socially refreshed, that feeling of possibility about like and love has returned. I have a good feeling about this year: it will be cleaner and clearer than the last.

For the first time ever I’m going to get to travel. By that I mean short visits and nowhere exotic, but now I can afford it: Toronto, Vancouver, maybe a short trip to Regina or the states.

I’m actually living the life I was dreaming about a year or two ago. I’m actually doing this.

And now that I think about it, hell yeah, I am kinda proud of myself. Saying that is not something I do easily…but fuck yeah, I’m kinda rocking this life!

elephant journal is doing well and my last review was positive. I think I’m past the hardest parts, with that and I’m finally feeling like I’m in my groove. I’m much more comfortable with the crew and working online by myself.

And this year’s promise to myself: be specific. Be detailed. Focus. Follow through. Communicate in clearer ways. Pay attention. Hone in. Be detailed, but don’t try to take on too much.

Tame all of the best ideas into manageable (do-able) pieces, and forget the rest.

Last night I had a vivid dream where I was hanging out with Johnny Depp (I fell asleep watching this movie) and a bunch of other people. We were camping or something—outdoors, just hanging out, mostly being quiet. I felt compelled to sort of talk to him but I was enjoying him just being there, too. I felt like we were somehow close. We were relaxed, just checking out board games to play.

I remember having the giddiness come up, like I was supposed to be excited because he is this big star. So it did, but then when let go of that hype and paid attention to how I really felt, I realized I just liked hanging out with him.

Then John and Kelly showed up. I remember Kelly said something to me that just cracked me up, and I was laughing so hard.

But, it was all just nice. Just a gentle, quiet presence.

And I am content about this past year, this new year…I’m genuinely excited, but without that giddiness. Without the highs.

Yeah.

No unicorn f*ckery (and other promises to myself for 2014)

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Promises to myself this year:

1. No unicorn f*ckery

Choosing to step away from people and situations where I feel small

2. Letting the goddess be

Being fully authentic in my sensual side

3. Making the party

Coming out of my shell

4. Surprising myself 

Doing one unexpected or scary thing each day

5. Uncluttering

Brain, heart, physical space, body

Moments of clarity

This morning a coworker commented on how I ‘look glazed over’. Throughout my life I’ve heard similar things from people: “you look…” (tired, glazed, spacey). I think that they sometimes assume that I’m daydreaming, slacking, not paying attention or uninterested.

When this happens, I worry that I appear unintelligent, and I feel underestimated (especially at work), because in reality there is always ALOT going on in my brain! I am often paying attention to multiple (complex) groups of ideas while also being very aware of my external environment. I really want to tell this to people to try to ‘alert’ me of things that I know are coming (yes, mom, I am actually getting out of the way of that wheelchair even though I’m not actually looking that way!).

Instead of taking personal offence to these observations, I’ve decided to use them constructively.

What does it say about how people percieve me? When am I actually not clear? Can I ‘fake it till I make it’ to get more focussed? How can I work towards a lifestyle that truly brings me more day-to-day clarity?

One conclusion that I have come to is that I need more opportunities to express and act on the really great ideas, while creating the space to let go of the negative-analytical thought patterns.

After having realized this, I decided to make a list of moments when my mind has felt clear lately:

1. When I’m at the pool. Going swimming (hottub, sauna) absolutely clears my head, whether I’m by myself or not.

2. During a long walk in a natural setting.

3. While taking photos. The photo at the top of this post was taken during a long morning walk by the ocean. Just looking at it and remembering how I felt at that moment brings me a sense of peace. I just love the way the water looks.

4. When I’m writing, editing, proofreading (etc). Writing this post is absolutely uncluttering my brain!

5. At work: when I’m more social or involved in teamwork.

6. When people ask me for help and I’m able to offer an absolute yes.

What things don’t bring me clarity: envy, negative/analytical thinking, watching TV for long periods of time, surfing the internet for hours, making too many to-do lists, a messy house, fighting with my boyfriend, spending money.

Maybe being perceived as a ‘space cadette’ is not the worst thing in the world, because it’s pushing me further towards being the person that I want to be, on the inside and on the outside. It’s forcing me to bring more peace and clarity in my brain (and heart). After all, when my mind is peaceful and clear, this must show too.

Do you have a ‘moments of clarity’ list? Can you acknowledge where these moments of clarity come, whether at work, home, or play? How do you integrate more peace into your life regularly?

Thank you for reading.