Ode to a surreal day

Every day in this town has been strange and dark and wonderful.

I couldn’t believe this one in particular, the way that one person reached out to me after years. I didn’t understand why.

We weren’t just “close” once—we were in love goddammit. Or at least I was. We lived together for a year.

Don’t you remember that?

I can’t believe that you offered me a boat ride,

I couldn’t believe how angry you were, how I saw that side of you when you didn’t know I was there, how I felt compelled to leave during your date because even if I was there, I may have been invited in and that is not something I want anymore.

I can’t listen to it and I don’t want to be around it because it’s so far from me right now. It would have been so natural a while ago, and now it’s so foreign.

I can’t anymore, with you, a person that I felt so safe with once.

That scares me—not that you were angry, but that that part of me is missing.

I can’t believe that more than one of my free-floating wandering souls are in town at the same time as me, that I may actually get to see you both in the space of the same short time span.

I’m one of you now.

I can’t believe that I saw you tonight, that you braved the traffic to pick me up and treated me to all of that beautiful dinner. And I forgot to take the selfie…I never really initiate that. I want it so much, but I’m so shy at the same time. But it meant a ton, spending time together this night.

I can’t believe how much my throat hurts and my eyelids are heavy and I want to run away from my escape already but not for good…just a few days. Just a few days to recuperate but then there might not be any more days left at all so I’m torn between now and never.

I can’t believe how damn tired I am, how the writing doesn’t come and I fly and I train and I walk and I dream and I rest and don’t push myself but still feel so so so drained.

How will I ever shake it to find my focus again?