today


i walked to the cafe on the corner, sat on the lovely terrace and blogged in the sun. i sipped an espresso and ate a chocolate croissant. it was lovely.

i walked to go to a thrift shop that was a little bit far, but went wayward by highway/overpass, then decided to walk the other direction and a gas leak had closed down half the plateau.

i walked and i walked with a pack full of things. i was feeling a bit dazed and unsure. i went into a drugstore and came out with nothing i needed. then home, fixed up and back to my sister’s. it was strange to go back there, but not. i miss my little room, the way it’s bright and clean and simple. but i’m glad for her that she has her space again.

as i got on the bus with a backpack full of bits and pieces left from my sister’s house, it was crowded. a man tapped me on the shoulder and nicely told me to take my backpack off.

i felt a wave of anger rise up in me, then the tears almost overflowed. it was because i always take my backpack off, and give seats to those in need. i am one of those conscientious people. i pay attention.

plus i’d lost my pass on the way over…it reminded me of just another thing that happened that sucked that was not smooth.

the past few weeks, it seems like things just having been going smoothly. it seems that everything is a chore, an effort, and there’s not much energy to – well, do much of anything.

so i stood there with my bags of things at the front of the bus, next to the driver, with tears welling up and wanting to punch something and wondered what the hell i was doing here. why did that make me want to cry so much?

because he reached out and talked to me, only to basically tell me to change my behaviour. not to say hello. not to actually reach out. just because to him, i was doing something wrong.

i just want someone to actually reach out and make a connection and that’s up to me i guess but how? where? when? to who?

no clue.

i decided to metro to Outremont and walked to the nice grocery store by St. Viateur park. i bought a wrap and a beer and a bottle of mineral water and I walked to the park and had a small solo picnic while reading the martian chronicles. kids ran around playing nearby. they were having so much fun, playing things like (probably) cops and robbers. i don’t know…the shouts were in french.

that was a nice part of the day. that’s what i want to do, most days, is read in the park. there’s much of that to be done here, too.

i came home to tidy a little and realized how tired tired tired i was, red eyes. i am trying to make my home in this little nook of a room, trying to make it mine but it’s not happening with ease. it’s not feeling right. i crave a small but airy, bright space to myself  (or shared but for my room to be big and bright) on a higher floor, somewhere with a balcony and big windows.

i don’t want things. i don’t want to settle unless/until i have a really good reason, except i’m not sure where to go next.

so now i focus on just pushing these words out any which way and breathing, too. and i hope for a hug sometime or more but who knows how those happen.

actually i know how they happen…with old friends/lovers/family. and i don’t want to dismiss the people i love now.

but how does it happen in new ways?

i will try to reach. but who knows.

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