June: 9 months in.


IMG_2501 (random photo taken at Vendome metro station)

Today’s weather is Vancouver-like. Last week’s was sunny and lovely. I spent a few hours here and there wandering and lounging in the sun.

I miss some people terribly right now. I’m craving a life thick with passion and experiences. I miss that thing. I miss a certain closeness. I have friends here and it’s getting easier with summer coming on but still struggle with how to find it/make it happen here.

I’ve been reconsidering how my time is spent.

I want to connect but I know that the present “here and now” (for me and anyone) is more important. I can’t keep grasping at those things and people that aren’t a part of my presence.

It should be that way and besides, I don’t know what to say.

How to connect without grasping? How to collectively relate?

Last weekend I had the best massage ever and started back at yoga after a brief hiatus. It’s hard.

Three days out this weekend: a queer dance party night thing Friday where I was happy and didn’t drink much. It felt good to get out, B. there w/his roommate. We didn’t go crazy but it was just nice. And the cover went to a good cause.

Sat eve was Jeff’s 50th-also nice to see some folks and be there with him.

Sunday w/Jac at NDQ, Karaoke. That was a blast. I smiled a lot and chatted with new folks. I felt honoured to be invited into her circle a little. We walked through the city at 2am and everywhere I turned there were new things to see.

Still, I drank too much and stayed up too late and ended up feeling strange and disappointed.

My new place is cute enough and…well, dirty. Finally connected with my roommate over there. She’d just moved in and we had a beer and set up the couch and laughed at the state of it all. There is so much work to do and I don’t have any furniture and I’m just not sure how it will all work out.

I’m sad/happy about the camper van. Mom sent me a photo of my best friends buying it from them and it made my heart pang. I haven’t heard from them.

I will head to Toronto at the end of the month and then to Boulder, Austin in July. I need to keep travelling like this to stay sane.

Last week had some days where I was eating pretty clean and not drinking. The sun was out and I felt engaged, energized, clear, empowered and more deeply into focus with work.

So there’s the focus now, to not let my mind wander.

One of my favourite edits of late describes the necessary sacrifice(s) well and reminded me really of what needs to be worked on:

8 Ways Women can Create Space for Creativity.

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About smallgrl

Exercising the right to write.
This entry was posted in Community, Friendship, Moments and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to June: 9 months in.

  1. Rick Holland says:

    I just want you to know that I recognize every word you wrote. I am more than familiar with your heart and intimately know your pain. You are an amazing writer, which I believe comes from the soul that you are. I’ve been where you are and truly wish someone like you would walk into my life. Thank you for your words.

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