Today, I’m relieved.
I’m not really sure what I’m relieved about all together. Maybe it was that I felt physically sick yesterday but woke up and felt well enough to take a little walk/jog in the crisp morning air. Maybe it was that I felt like I *should* be into Halloween somehow but just wasn’t.
This morning, it was lovely going at my own pace, exploring curving (flat!) sidestreets and letting the orange-yellow leaf-littered sidewalks just call me towards them, in any direction I wanted.
Then treating myself to a coffee at my favourite little spot as I walked home.
As I was running (okay, jogging really slowly for only a minute or two at a time), I thought about the exhale and how warming it is, how we can use it to power us.
It is a sigh of relief, a moment of relaxation at the end of a day, season, year.
I was so happy to be able to move my body and not hurt. I was happy to finally feel something other than a weird fullness/pain in my chest and stomach for the first time in a few days.
Somehow I feel relieved that October is over…I’m not quite sure why, because November is always tough.
But I made a pact to myself, this morning of November 1:
1) I will not let my body get the better of me
2) I will not let this month bring me down like it tends to do
Now, back to the significance of the exhale:
It’s symbolic of keeping an even breath, of balancing how we are taking in the world and what we are putting out there. It’s about staying attentive to how we are perceiving things with all of our senses, of how we are communicating.
It’s symbolic of what we are giving out. I am so internal sometimes I forget to extend and give. I honestly forget what is inside to give out.
When in water—say, diving—we exhale to sink down. It’s kind of scary but comforting as well. So I’m thinking of it as sinking into the wintertime, kind of settling in and exploring underwater. Obviously there is a need to come up for air at times, but I’ll wait for warmer weather to really hang out on the surface, maybe the sand. There is lots of really cool stuff underwater, even though it may seem dark and scary at first.
It’s about dropping. I’m still dropping things that are coming up, dropping negative thoughts / thought patterns from the past. It’s okay that they are still coming up, but I’m slowly working my way out.
That metaphorical weight and this physical weight will not hold me down. I will spend the winter finding ways to exhale. And it may be challenging on some of the snow-filled days but I have to.
I’m digging into a couple of boxes and finding books and scraps of paper that remind me of the sweetest friends, of the people who matter the most, and re-discovering all the books I have yet to read.
There’s more space here, now, and instead of being scared or feeling stagnant or bored, I’m breathing into it.
The next goals: more invitation, imagination, play.
But breathing (out) is priority.