One week from now I will have shed all of my stuff, left attachments behind and will have landed in Montreal.
Currently my emotions waver from love of this city, a few things, some key people.
The last week: Bandida’s and sangria, mimosas in a nearby park, white russians at the Big Lebowski.
A Joni Mitchell tribute night at a house nearby that has a covered balcony with couches, glowing lights, vines.
And he read me Bukowski and she braided my hair.
Then pie, a seawall walk, a film noir, a special dinner at Espana with my soul sister.
A going away party with mad libs, bow ties…open hearts.
The day after that lounging in bed with someone that I wish…no, I’m not wishing anymore.
A last write-night with a bottle of pinot and I felt light, ready.
I felt loved.
I know there are still things eating away at me – literally they eat away at my stomach lining. And I feel ill.
Getting rid of old things (I mean stuff/attachments, not beings!) is liberating…and scary.
The hour before the vet appointment was the longest hour in the world. I just wanted it done. And then in that room how she nuzzled into the crook of my arm.
I’ve been listening to old mixed tapes and wondering why I kept them so long. I suppose at some point in time we couldn’t just find any old music anywhere …so it was more special. More valuable.
I’m wondering whether sentimentality has a purpose; is it good or bad that I want most of my things gone like this? It feels crazy.
And there is just so much stuff. So much.
Even with relationships – we have access to more relationships at a time with travel, globalization. It’s a double-edged sword in that there is always something new – so possibility is around the corner – but then we maybe aren’t as motivated to hold onto the good things. Maybe we just don’t focus enough on quality.
Is there someone out there for me? A new best friend? A more suitable lover? Will I see my old lovers and have it not be wrong?
I’m confused, a little; and I still feel judged.
Frankly (feeling) love is exhausting these days. I’m spent with feeling so good one moment and then rotten the next. I am not giving it well enough either, for the most part. Not in the right directions.
For that I am sorry. I wish I’d loved you (you, you) better.
I will really miss my friend-family here…but I’m also spent. I take responsibility for participating in some of the dynamics that exhaust me (and them).
Mostly, these relationships lift me. But sometimes not.
I guess that is normal… but here things just run so deep. It’s beautiful and intense and I would not trade it for the world.
But I’m okay to go, maybe just for a while.
Is leaving really going to be better? Is it a relief, a healthy change, or a distraction? Will I really be okay…let alone better, like I envision? Or is it just false hope?
We may attribute meaning by choice, but I can’t just leave the feelings behind.
Or can I, in a positive way? I guess the question is: should I? Is it right to somehow want to feel less in some ways?
There are loved ones on the other side and that will be a whole new set of feelings, dynamics. Not always simple, I’m sure…but solid. So incredibly solid. And how lucky am I to have community in both places?
So, we can relax or we can worry (this video helps me all the time):