Years ago I met someone online.
When I asked what he liked / noticed about me (my profile/online presence/whatever), he said that he liked me because he sensed that I didn’t take myself too seriously.
This comment has stuck with me since. I remember I was taken aback at the time: my first thought was ‘oh so he thinks I’m easy’ and then I realized that he thought that I could laugh at myself – or, with myself. And others.
A sense of humour?
I haven’t felt very funny these past few days. It’s been hot and I’ve been working in my apartment. It’s a long weekend and I didn’t really make plans. I was – sort of – invited to pride festivities, though not explicitly.
This seems to be more and more the story of my life. Sure, I understand my part in it. But it’s a long hot weekend in the city – my last one for a while. I even had a bit of money to spare.
And here it is again…this loneliness. I want to be on the beach with my friends, camping. I saw photos of my – friend, I guess – doing fun stuff outside all weekend.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to come out much this weekend, but…something? Isn’t there something?
I say what I want, what I value. Just the beach. Just Scrabble. Whatever – easy and cheap things. That’s what I want to do. But when push comes to shove it’s not happening.
I had plans last night. The person was out partying and drunk and didn’t answer the phone and then didn’t call me until 9p, at which time I was so tired and felt like an afterthought anyhow.
I’ve been there before – at home, sort of waiting for the other person to finish playing. Then unsatisfied when we spend some time and they are not present/passing out anyhow.
That’s not real time spent. That is not presence.
I’ve been the person waiting at home way too many times.
I have a month – or less. And I have reached out – at least a little – for company. Told them that time with them, now, was important to me.
And I know they show up for me. But now. What about now? I need that now. And I’m not being heard. Are you hearing me now?
And this loneliness is really killing me this time around. I can’t take it.
I hope that I can look back and laugh at this sooner rather than later. Because the knot in my stomach and my overflowing eyes (I’ve cried at least once/day for the past few) aren’t really telling of that.
I know how to change this feeling and that it won’t last forever. I understand how I have power over it, over my life.
But I’m freaked out and it feels that time is slipping away and – well, I need a hug. Really that’s what I wanted, maybe, last night, or today. Just a hug. An ear.
I won’t weigh you down. I just want to know that it matters. That I matter. That any of it matters.
I might sound dramatic right now – but I think that most of us have been here. Which is why I’m putting it out there.
I hear you loud and clear, universe. I need to find new ways to laugh.
So actually I laugh at how ridiculous this whole feeling is…the fact that I feel so low at all sometimes, that I let others have power over me in these ways.
But when I’m sad I’m still going to say it.
(And Just like that these words are on the page and I feel lighter and a little bit excited about the day. I’m going to go to New Brighton pool and swim and sit in the park and look at the water and write and it will be good. And I’ll reach out a little bit more today to the people that I love and if they don’t see me that is okay. Because at least I tried. And much of this heaviness will be gone soon thank god but I will miss my friends/family here I know I will and I’m sorry I’m so selfish sometimes.)