Sometimes I wish I were not so soft

sometimes i wish i weren't so soft

Okay, so at this point I’m questioning this concept (action) of being ‘vulnerable’ and transparent about my feelings.

At this point, I’m wondering if people who are close to me are stuck with some kind of idea of me, and not letting me evolve into the person I want to be more of.

Is it holding me back? And how much of it is my fault? Or, maybe I’m doing this to them?

I take responsibility for how people see me, sure. But perhaps I have relied too much on emotionalism. Perhaps there is validity in the way that they see me.

I was crying on and off all morning, but it wasn’t a bad cry. It was a ‘wtf am I doing’ cry, kind of, but not wallowing.

There still is a scared little girl in there…but the thing is that these are no longer pity parties. At least, I really need for them to not be.

Sometimes I feel (act) so crazy because I’m scared. I’m scared and having to let go of a huge pile of stuff (literally, now, as well as figuratively) every day. I am trying to get a hold of how to embrace the fear/let go and believe it or not I am finding success in that frequently too.

Perhaps this is something that I need to be sharing more often, in action.

I feel frustrated when it’s all about distraction; I don’t want to be a distraction to you, either. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to be a distraction.

I’m still wondering where that relationship is, the person who will meet me where I’m at. Of course, everyone I’ve met meets me, in some way. And the bigger relationships matter.

So we’ve met, but will you stay with me? Or I guess the better question is: will you grow with me?

This morning I woke up early and put on some exercise clothes. I skytrained to the seawall and stopped at Terra Breads for coffee and a breakfast sandwich. Then I kept walking and stopped at the place in the photo to meditate.

During mediation I came up with these two points:

1. Being scared is okay, but stuck in that fear (inactive/closed) is not.

2. Last year I discovered possibility in relationship; this year is for knowing possibility beyond relationship.

I don’t want to be alone so much anymore. I don’t want to think of myself so much. I really, really don’t.

So here is what I don’t want; now what do I want?

Perhaps the key is in asking that question of others as well.