I woke up that morning feeling stronger than I have for a while.
Much less pain, emotionally and physically.
For the first time since really knowing there would be no contact, this not seeing him makes sense. I recognize that I have energy (again) for the things that matter back at me. Thank goodness.
Other people sometimes aren’t so passionate about understanding. That and / or they are too busy trying to understand other things, trying to support other people. This is good. I’m good with this. I get it. I need it too, in my own life.
Our lives aren’t so fused any more and that’s okay. His presence was mostly what made such a difference this past year and he’s just not able to offer that to me any more. Good. With this acceptance and letting go I have a bit more energy for the people and things that need/love me back: writing, friends, elephant things, me.
I often think about the ways we separate ourselves, the walls we put up and why. We build walls around our hearts, sometimes, for good reasons. I don’t want to go so far as to say that these always have to do with power ‘over’ people, or power in a bad way. It’s normal to want to be able to control situations.
But the less that one makes one’s goal about real love, the more likely these walls are to be about power: holding more for ourselves if and when we need it, we create divides so that we can feel we have some control over something…even if the something is just ourselves.
I think of walls as not the same as boundaries. Boundaries are more like lines that one chooses to draw. Also for power, but more about reserving it. More about holding (loving) energy than shutting it out.
Walls are normal, innocent enough. But can be cruel too. Even just small things that we do without meaning to be mean: judging, blaming.
We all do it.
When our walls are down, I think that there is more capacity for actual love to flow freely, instead of having the back-forth, push-pull power (attachment) dynamics ruling our lives.
I watched the documentary called ‘Blackfish’ last night. It reminded me of the way we like to put things on display, to dance for us. The ‘glass wall,’ how we create the illusion of seeing another being but we are actually keeping ourselves separated.
Performer vs. audience.
The show is fun, sure. When it’s between two beings who understand that they are on equal ground, it is an essential part of play. Of joy. Lightness. So important.
But this show is just a small part of our lives; when real hearts fuse it is about so much more.
We might feel vulnerable and try to assume control or power in some way, and that’s when it gets messy.
Or maybe it was messy the whole time because we already (subconsciously) assumed power or control over the other person or over the situation, meaning that one or both people would never really be free to be their fullest and most evolving selves, or to be with their ‘pod’ or tribe or family.
I’m not here to dance for anyone, no more than those orcas are for audiences/trainers/owners. The power-seekers and their puppets.
So long as we (they) keep thinking that that’s what others are here for, for our own benefit (entertainment, money, power, lives) or to make us feel better, relationships will always be imbalanced and never be real.
It’s a normal human thing, this divide, but when it’s about power or money it can kill. It chips away at compassionate action.
There are fine lines between healthy boundaries and actual walls. But when we build walls, it’s more about power and less about love.
So I will set my boundaries and cry a bit and feel like a bit of a fool for opening my heart but I still know it’s the only way to do.
These are big ideas, the metaphor stretches across all relationships with all beings, I think. And I am not perfect at anything. Noone is. We are all learning and evolving.
But I think that one of the most important things in this moment/day/life/world is to just notice hearts. To question ourselves ourselves and the world. To be aware of which actions stem from money or power or control or ego.
To watch the intentions behind our attachments and remember that true compassion means practicing freedom from these things.