Freaked out but happier than a pig in sh*t


pig

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” ~ Marianne Williamson.

I have been neglecting my blog for a while now, with good reason: for the past month or so, I’ve been doing a virtual Editorial Apprenticeship at Elephant Journal!  Most of what us apprentices do is receive submissions edit them (sparingly). We also do social media, and are to write (at least) two pieces a month.

It is a lot of work, and I am learning so much.  I’ve had to make some sacrifices (mostly in the ‘play’ element of my life, but also it seems as if chores and exercise are going by the wayside). Some days are freaking amazing, others are a bit of a struggle: what am I doing well? What can I improve on? Should I/can I write more? What can I write about? Am I learning enough? Am I fast enough? Do they like me?

It is the perfect thing for me right now. It is exactly what I need to do. I felt it in my gut the moment I hit ‘send’ on my letter of interest.

But at one point the other weekend I started to panic. I went into this sort of paralysed state as I faced the ele writing and editing work that needed completion, even though I’d created plenty of time and space for it. I’d even had a wonderful Saturday, complete with some morning work, a massage and some fresh air and social time at the horse races, one of my favorite places.

Yet my shoulders were pulled up to my ears, my forehead was crinkling up, and I was retreating into a ball on the bed.  I was paralyzed out of fear.  I had to go into myself and really investigate what was going on.

My life had been improving vastly over the past few months.  More and more I was realizing that I had (or could have) much of what I wanted.  At that moment, in actuality, there was nothing wrong.

So why was I feeling so…stuck, when everything was going perfectly?

I realized I was freaked out because I was actualizing the fact that I really do have the power to design a life that I love, to do something meaningful with it.  And although this required work, it was work that didn’t really feel like work.

Everything was (is) coming together, and this is the biggest piece of the puzzle to fall into place yet.

So when I fell into that funk and started to resist the work out of fear, I forced myself go to the computer and just start.

I realized, then, how talented my brain is at problematizing! My mind is (our minds are) really good at creating problems that don’t exist. In some weird way, finding something to worry about comes so naturally, it’s almost like some strange security blanket.  Like, neurosis is my ‘go to’ when I’m feeling some sort of stress, even if the source of the stress is actually good!

As I recognized this, I pushed myself into my work a little bit more.  Brain went wayward again…and I brought it back.  Slowly but surely, this became easier.

I worked through that fear, and I recognized when I started to feel better.

Then I realized then that maybe my fear stemmed from the fact that I could actually succeed. Maybe I was finally doing something that truly made me happy, and part of the stress stemmed from wanting so much to succeed.

I reflected then on the things that had brought me to the place I am at now, and a lot of the shifts coincided with me sharing my writing, and my passion for it.

It began after I broke up with my boyfriend and subsequently published my first piece at Elephant Journal. People saw it, people read it, people resonated with it.

Due to the breakup, I was also developing new friendships and strengthening some existing ones. These people were openly supporting me in my work, and truly interested in the things that come out of this crazy brain.

These were people that genuinely resonated with what I need and want in my life.

They know that this is my purpose, and they support it 100%.

Which made me start to believe in myself more.  So I wrote a little more in my blog, and I published a couple more pieces at Elephant Journal.  Then this writing helped to facilitate more new relationships and experiences.  It was me pursuing this, being vulnerable, that allowed others to see the real me.

As I reflected on my path from the last ~ 8 months, I made the most important realization, one that must continue to be a main inspiration for me on this journey (no matter how scared, or tired, or stressed out I might feel):

When I write, everything else falls into place.

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About smallgrl

Exercising the right to write.
This entry was posted in Community, Extraverting, Friendship, mindfulness, Personal growth, Uncategorized, well being, writing and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Freaked out but happier than a pig in sh*t

  1. Kudos to you my dear, keep writing and loving you for you are divinely perfect!

  2. Kim says:

    Thrilled for you Darling! 🙂 ((hugs))

    • smallgrl says:

      Thanks Kim! I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing but…yeah, in the right direction for sure. Thanks for always being so supportive. xo.

  3. Merlyn says:

    I resonate with your opening quote and subsequent blog entry very much! The beliefs we carry about our self are so powerful. Seeing them is even more powerful. All of my hypnotherapy work is based on that fact. I had an experience last summer. An inspiration came to me. A large complex idea with many fine details. The idea came all at once, fully formed. I was so struck by it, I immediately went out and bought a note book to write as much of it down as I could catch before it faded. I have the book and have added to it recently.

    Trust that you are on the right path.

  4. Mauve says:

    So nice to find you. I followed you from EJ, bec your piece – date a woman who…was very affirming for me, and what I encourage in my daughters. I struggle with some of it still, so it was incredible to me, to next read this piece, and also relate so intimately with it. I have approached joy more than once only to retreat in some mixed up craziness/fear response. It’s been less than a year that I figured me out at least that far, and it’s been a HUGE step, for which I am deeply grateful and at this moment am moved by. (Happy sniffle) I finally had to ‘see’ this bad habit for what it was, and you have hit the nail on the head. Now, I can either analyze the #%*¥ out of this, or just start blogging/writing like you did. The gig you have with EJ is rather wonderful, and wow, I know I’d be freaked out too, with that sickeningly giddy excitement that can overexcite and send me into shut down…but I’m on the verge now, somewhere between the freaked out awareness that I really can live out loud and being happier than a pig in #%*¥. :). Thanks again for being real and writing so well about it; you’ve inspired me greatly. Happy Thanksgiving!

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