Hello, Alone, How Are You Today?

Sometimes, when I’m by myself, my mind reaches back into some other time when I felt safe, secure companionship, from a relationship that ended not so long ago.  My brain automatically, instantaneously classifies that past time as “good”: safe, secure, comfortable.  And classifies now as “bad”: lonely, unsafe, lacking meaning.

It all happens so fast that I don’t even know it!  And suddenly, I feel lonely.

As an only child, a natural introvert, an HSP, and someone who has not had many long-term (serious) relationships, I’ve spent many moments by myself in this life.  I should, by now, have so much practice that I’m really great with it: the thing is, I’m not always OK with it.

The video below, How To Be Alone, by poet Tanya Davis, offers us a glimpse of just how great being alone can be.  Take a look.

Sometimes it’s easy to see the beauty of alone.  Sometimes it takes some practice.  It is always, always important to be aware of your solitude, to practice being OK, to practice play.

And always, some days are better than others.

But the times that you have to really focus on your aloneness are those times when you start sinking into loneliness without realizing it, when it sneaks up on you like a disease.  When it starts to creep in without you barely noticing  then all of a sudden you really are lying in a pile on your bedroom floor (which is also perfectly OK, btw) for no real reason.

Or, maybe you have anxiety attacks, but only when you are alone.

Does your own company, your own mind, really have to cause you that much grief?

For me, today, right now, I’ve resolved to not go there.  I’m not able to spend money (I’ve resolved to never again use the term ‘broke’, because that implies that something is broken, a vessel empty, but that is a whole other blog entry).  I’m OK alone, in my somewhat messy little cheap apartment, in the middle of a rainy-day-grey-Vancouver-Sunday.

I could (as I have many times), allow myself ‘get’ grey, feel lonely, but I’m practicing just… not.

My brain (society) is so deeply conditioned to believe that alone = bad.  Even with all the new-agey hype about the concept of making friends with solitude, that habitual thought pattern is still engrained in my brain.

But in reality this moment of alone is just as good as any other.  Or, if we want to get all Buddhist about it, it’s neither good or bad.  It just is.

Today I made one promise to myself, a promise that I boldly (in bold!) proclaim to the world (or at least my small blogger audience, and a few friends):

I will not equate being alone with sadness.  

I mentioned earlier that I’m an HSP, which means I’m a very sensitive person, swayed easily by the energy of others.  I’m learning to do this in only the most positive ways, to let others lift me up, and to use my influence to help others, even when all that entails is listening well.  It’s taking time to learn.

But as an introvert, I find I need time alone to recharge.  I need time alone to just be, and not have to navigate through so much external energy.  It can be exhausting.

In fact, when I’m around my most energetic, interesting, intelligent and wonderful friends, sometimes I find myself most exhausted!  Which does not mean I don’t want to be around them, it just means that I want to (do) absorb everything they say and do, and when I can’t I don’t feel quite so devoted.

I want to be fully engaged and connected to those who I know and love.  And when ideas are bouncing back and forth and conversations and ideas flowing, it’s so overwhelming!  Wonderfully overwhelming. But I need time to sit back and process after those times.

Alone is fine.  In fact it’s great, because here there is noone to energetically sway me.  I can’t hide here, but I can go here to recharge, to refuel.  It is such a blessing, really.

So, why not try it: if you are alone, be strong and bold in your aloneness.  Don’t wish for something else, just be (interested) in this time you have now.  Get used to your own company.  Do your thing.

You can view it as making friends with solitude, or, just being.  It could just be the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself.

Thank you for every single solitary thought and gesture that ever happened.


14 thoughts on “Hello, Alone, How Are You Today?

  1. WOW! How inspiring! This is one of the most positive and innovative spins I’ve ever seen put on spending time alone. 🙂 I love your comment about making friends with aloneness. Thank you so much for that.

    I have felt much the same way. Over many years spent single, I have learned to enjoy my own company. I think the key to doing that for me has been following my passions and urges in every way I possibly can. Being alone sucks – there’s no two ways about it. And when you’re alone, the biggest thing that sucks is that you don’t have anyone to give you that special nurturing and affection that soothes your soul. So what is a single to do?

    What I have found is that the best thing for me is to give that nurturing to myself. I nurture myself by following every dream, passion and urge I have whenever possible. If I want to eat an almond croissant from Balthazar Bakery every morning for a month, I do it. If I want to take a walk down by the waterfront in my fleece sweats and big ugly down coat and hunker down like a big seal to watch the sun set with a big thermos of hot chocolate, I do it. If I want to apply for a scholarship to study watercolor painting in Tuscany or creative writing in Maine, or to study to be a bartender or an actress, I do it. I give myself every luxury, every fantasy, every privilege.

    And in doing so, I feel a bit less lonely, a little more loved. And a little more passion enters my life. And my own company becomes a little more inspiring.

    Thanks for the post. I love your blog. 🙂

    The Satisfied Single

  2. Thanks so much for reading! I like your blog too, about to check it out a little bit more.

    You hit the nail on the head about that ‘special nurturing affection. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t crave that, often, no matter how happy I am alone. I am lucky to get that from some good friends, but it’s not quite the same.

    If I lived near you I’d invite myself along for that daily almond croissant, or maybe join you in the hot chocolate at sunset. But it sounds like you are enjoying it well enough on your own. 🙂

    Still, there is something to be said for sharing these thoughts here. In just being able to write and share and inspire each other, we aren’t completely alone, are we?

  3. This is a great post. Aloneness and loneliness are not to be taken to be the same thing and I think some people can get them muddled. Aloneness is fine. Aloneness can invigorate and uplift and yes you are right …be deeply creative.

    Never be afraid of aloneness… listen to what what those quite, peaceful moments say to you.

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