I had a couple of really interesting experiences yesterday.
First I had a dentist appointment. I had not been in a long time. I was freaked out and it was super uncomfortable when he injected me with that huge needle and the numbing started to spread through my mouth. I really hate the feeling of not feeling!
When he started to do stuff with my teeth, I could feel it a little bit. It was just a moment of discomfort/pain and I flinched. He asked if I could feel it and offered me more freezing. I said ‘no way!’ I didn’t want to feel more numb than I already was, because it just feels so unnatural. I was OK with feeling a bit of pain because I knew that he was doing something to help my long term health. I am also so grateful to live in a society (have the kind of job) that offers me health prevention options like this free.
It was, in the grand scheme of things, a very quick and painless process, and afterwords I enjoyed the relief that came with a) doing something good for my health and b) it being over! It felt good.
After a not-so-successful attempt at eating (sitting at the Naam dribbling gold dragon bowl items down the side of my frozen mouth), I rushed to the other side of town to meet my personal trainer for my first-ever personal training (bootcamp style) session.
It was a beautiful sunny day with a slight breeze, and we met in one of my favourite parks. The experience painful and wonderful! Again, I feel so privileged that I have this resource accessible to me, and that the trainer seems genuinely interested in helping me be better. It is the kind of challenge I have NEVER put on myself before and I’m freaked out. But it’s a really good kind of pain because I know I am doing something really amazing for myself. I see huge life changes coming from just this one thing.
Today I’m going to the doctor to discuss whether or not to start depression meds. My heart says NO WAY! I’m determined to find alternatives that do not involve numbing myself*, even if it will be super painful and uncomfortable at times. With lots of work – and the different kinds of support that absolutely are available to me – I will take charge of my health and do everything I can possibly do to make my life even better than it is.
I would rather live my pain and joy than numb myself from feeling it. I can and I will.
*note: I say this with a complete understanding that for some people medication absolutely is necessary and helpful.