Words. They are a strange way to try to sort out ones feelings. Messy and complicated, not everyone understands their impact. I babble, I analyze, I say the ‘wrong’ thing, I regret. But I need them to set me free.
Actions, absolutely, speak louder. So the action of writing, right now, as I work through questions about my relationship, my mental health, my entire existence…is my lifeline. It’s what makes things real.
Sometimes I don’t even like it: I hate how words just spill out on the page and I can’t stop. I hate how sometimes it feels like it doesn’t help. But neglecting this need to write is neglecting a part of my soul. I (we!) don’t ‘need’ a purpose. The purpose is to: get. it. out. Even (especially?) when it feels particularly uncomfortable or strange.
I’ve censored myself here before because I wanted a ‘real’ blog that had a ‘theme’ or some sort of obvious purpose or focus, a focus that didn’t appear to be selfishly about myself and my life and my problems. Because there are bigger problems in the world than lil’ old me.
It’s true: I am so interested in so many things in the world! There is an endless supply of things to write about, and I do / will. But why have I fought against the idea that just the simple act of writing and sharing my heart IS therapy? That it IS perfectly OK? That it MIGHT just help someone else get through their day? After all, reading other people’s blogs (especially some of the more personal ones) is absolutely theraputic for me. What else is there in life – in love -than knowing that someone else experiences and feels the same way you do?
So here I am choosing to believe that writing about anything I want, at any time, IS enough. I will quiet that inner censor. I will not write ‘for’ a predetermined purpose (unless I have a writing gig at some point, would be freaking awesome!). I will push past the fear of being vulnerable when it comes to writing personal entries on this public blog.
After all, noone ever got anywhere without taking a risk. My heart tells me that this is a good risk to take. Write now.